Trying to Make God Laugh

Ever heard the saying, if you want to make God laugh, then make a plan? I guess that was the effect that we were looking for.
After speaking with the benefits specialist at work and increasing my disability pay, I told Justin that we should "shoot" (no pun intended) for late August or early September, as a time to conceive. So, that is what we did, we read up on all of the ways to find out when a woman was ovulating. I took my temperature, peed on sticks, and a whole list of other stuff. Then BAM, just like Emeril Lagasse, sometime around September 13 I took a test and it was positive.
When we lost the baby, my first question was "when can we start trying again?" The original plan was a summer due date, it equaled more pay and would not require me to take time off from work. But after the loss, everything just kind of flew out the window. I needed to fill my womb with another live to help fill the void left by Baby Williams (as s/he had been affectionately named). I have since then learned that going through another pregnancy doesn't replace the last one because I still mourn, even today. And you would think that I already knew that. After a person dies people always tell them that time heals all wounds, I know differently because nearly 20 years after the death of my father the pain is sometimes as fresh as the moment I found out. I tell people that time doesn't heal all wounds, it just makes them a little easier to bear.
The doctor told me to take my time and the good news was that I was able to get pregnant. Although I realize that it was, it didn't feel like good news at the time. Because I was mostly worried about whether or not I'd be able to carry to full term.
In February 2011, I missed my cycle. I just knew that we'd done it. We'd hit the jackpot. For a full month and a half I took pregnancy tests and they were all negative. It boggled my mind. Had something happened? Had the stress of the mis* somehow changed my internal organs and prevented me from conceiving again? I scheduled an appointment with my gynecologist, Dr. Dimino, and she assured me that it was perfectly normal. Many woman find that their menstrual cycle is never the same after a mis* and I should not worry.
At that visit, I remember sitting in the waiting room, and it seemed that every woman who walked through the door was pregnant. It was like one of those dreams they have on television when everyone is looking at them and everything they say has the word "baby" in it. I was mortified. And when I got t the room with the doctor, I just wasn't able to hold it in anymore. The tears flowed. It felt like they flowed for me, for the baby, for what happened before that, and for every woman I'd read about online. Dr. Dimino made two suggestions to me that day: 1. visit her Pearland location at my next appointment (fewer expectant mothers), and 2. lose weight, it would help me and improve the likelihood of having a successful pregnancy next time.
By this time, I had already joined Weight Watchers, and I had lost about 10 pounds, but things were really starting to slow down. With summer on the way, and a trip with my co-workers to New Braunfels in the near future, I decided to kick it into high gear. I started attending Zumba classes. I was on the elliptical machine for an hour after an hour of weight and resistance training. My co-workers and I would attend 3 or 4 aerobic classes in one day after walking a mile or two around the track. I was a maniac, but I felt good. By my last recorded weigh-in, I'd lost over 30 pounds.
I told Justin the doctor's advice and being the critic, he suggested a second opinion. But there wasn't anything that another doctor could tell me that scale wasn't already showing me, in huge neon lights. I was on my way to my 31st birthday with high blood pressure, and the best way to reach our goal was by getting in shape.
Months before, I'd read a forum where a woman mentioned having used a Clear Blue Easy Ovulation Monitor. She said it would tell you when your most fertile days were and it helped her to conceive. Well, at that time, I told Justin that it was an investment that we should make (the price tag was around $200). Being that pricey I didn't think he'd be willing to do it. In the midst of my fitness craze he comes in from work with a box containing this little contraption. I was totally caught off guard. I think in retrospect, that while he really wanted us to get pregnant again, he wanted to help heal me as well. I started the testing, but at this point the pounds are melting off, I've already decided that right after our scheduled trip to NYC I'm hiring a trainer to help me lose an additional 50 pounds before school started. They kept showing those darn Jennifer Hudson commercials...who wouldn't be inspired? So when the machine told me that my ovulation levels had peaked I feigned a headache or went to bed early, whatever I could do to avoid (what I felt was) risking my progress. Eventually, I admitted that I wanted to wait. Let's wait until school starts after I've lost this additional weight, it'll be better, I'll be healthier. He wasn't pleased.
May came, there were a million and one things going on at school, getting ready for vacation, and the prospect of my mother having knee replacement surgery. I kept on testing, but somehow during the last week of school, I decided to go for it! I don't know why or what it was that changed my mind, but I did, we did, and it did. :)
And now, I must say, with all of the crying and sleeping and worrying that I have been doing since finding out on Father's Day, I am grateful that God knew better than me. He knew I needed to go through this first trimester during the summer, this summer, when my mother would be here at our house to support me. He knew that I would be able to rest when I needed to, and eat the freshest fruit I've ever tasted, courtesy of the Fresno Fruit Stand. He also knew that in all of this heat, I'd rather be 3 months pregnant than 9 months pregnant.
I thank God for His sense of humor!