Only ONE week until the END OF MY FIRST TRIMESTER!!! It's been really weird for me, because the moment I found out that I was pregnant, I looked at the week by week calendar and realized that the Sunday before school starts is the beginning of week 13. It has been real bitter sweet for me. Not that Meagan don't love the kids...but you know.
My dear sweet co-worker, Lisa, gave me a Baby Com heart monitor, and I have been sitting on pins and needles waiting for today to arrive so that I could try it out. For about the last month, it has been sitting on the back of the tub eyeing me. Tempting me to open it up and take it for a spin. But I resisted. And this morning, I was up with the sun tearing the package open like a kid on Christmas morning. So we read the instructions again, because after turning it on we see LP, which we find out means Low Power. Shucks! So, I am on the hunt for the appropriate batteries, which for some reason I can't seem to remember are 9-volt and I keep calling them C-volt.
Sunday is grocery store day. I hadn't written the list yet, so I did that this morning. I wrote it real nice and orderly. Once we see the batteries don't work, every 9-volt battery we found in the house, I add it to the list. Poor Justin, he's at the grocery store for like 2 1/2 hours. I didn't understand. But I was at home, nervously patting my foot, waiting for his return with the golden ticketed battery. After we eat, I'm fat full, I climb into the bed and first listen to my own heart beat. It's loud and strong. But I must be moving the monitor thingy because I can't get the rate to hold steady. But at least I know the contraption is working, so now on to Baby.
It says to place it right above my skkdhdi tirawehjhvf, well not exactly, but it may as well have. I figure it's where the two bones in my pelvis meet. Ah ha!! So that is what we do. And we get to moving it around and hear this whooshing sound and then there it is. Thump-thump, thump-thump...Those little galloping horses are taking off, keeping my little one going. Thank You, Father!!
I can't wait until we officially hear it...with the doctor!!
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Trying to Make God Laugh
Ever heard the saying, if you want to make God laugh, then make a plan? I guess that was the effect that we were looking for.
After speaking with the benefits specialist at work and increasing my disability pay, I told Justin that we should "shoot" (no pun intended) for late August or early September, as a time to conceive. So, that is what we did, we read up on all of the ways to find out when a woman was ovulating. I took my temperature, peed on sticks, and a whole list of other stuff. Then BAM, just like Emeril Lagasse, sometime around September 13 I took a test and it was positive.
When we lost the baby, my first question was "when can we start trying again?" The original plan was a summer due date, it equaled more pay and would not require me to take time off from work. But after the loss, everything just kind of flew out the window. I needed to fill my womb with another live to help fill the void left by Baby Williams (as s/he had been affectionately named). I have since then learned that going through another pregnancy doesn't replace the last one because I still mourn, even today. And you would think that I already knew that. After a person dies people always tell them that time heals all wounds, I know differently because nearly 20 years after the death of my father the pain is sometimes as fresh as the moment I found out. I tell people that time doesn't heal all wounds, it just makes them a little easier to bear.
The doctor told me to take my time and the good news was that I was able to get pregnant. Although I realize that it was, it didn't feel like good news at the time. Because I was mostly worried about whether or not I'd be able to carry to full term.
In February 2011, I missed my cycle. I just knew that we'd done it. We'd hit the jackpot. For a full month and a half I took pregnancy tests and they were all negative. It boggled my mind. Had something happened? Had the stress of the mis* somehow changed my internal organs and prevented me from conceiving again? I scheduled an appointment with my gynecologist, Dr. Dimino, and she assured me that it was perfectly normal. Many woman find that their menstrual cycle is never the same after a mis* and I should not worry.
At that visit, I remember sitting in the waiting room, and it seemed that every woman who walked through the door was pregnant. It was like one of those dreams they have on television when everyone is looking at them and everything they say has the word "baby" in it. I was mortified. And when I got t the room with the doctor, I just wasn't able to hold it in anymore. The tears flowed. It felt like they flowed for me, for the baby, for what happened before that, and for every woman I'd read about online. Dr. Dimino made two suggestions to me that day: 1. visit her Pearland location at my next appointment (fewer expectant mothers), and 2. lose weight, it would help me and improve the likelihood of having a successful pregnancy next time.
By this time, I had already joined Weight Watchers, and I had lost about 10 pounds, but things were really starting to slow down. With summer on the way, and a trip with my co-workers to New Braunfels in the near future, I decided to kick it into high gear. I started attending Zumba classes. I was on the elliptical machine for an hour after an hour of weight and resistance training. My co-workers and I would attend 3 or 4 aerobic classes in one day after walking a mile or two around the track. I was a maniac, but I felt good. By my last recorded weigh-in, I'd lost over 30 pounds.
I told Justin the doctor's advice and being the critic, he suggested a second opinion. But there wasn't anything that another doctor could tell me that scale wasn't already showing me, in huge neon lights. I was on my way to my 31st birthday with high blood pressure, and the best way to reach our goal was by getting in shape.
Months before, I'd read a forum where a woman mentioned having used a Clear Blue Easy Ovulation Monitor. She said it would tell you when your most fertile days were and it helped her to conceive. Well, at that time, I told Justin that it was an investment that we should make (the price tag was around $200). Being that pricey I didn't think he'd be willing to do it. In the midst of my fitness craze he comes in from work with a box containing this little contraption. I was totally caught off guard. I think in retrospect, that while he really wanted us to get pregnant again, he wanted to help heal me as well. I started the testing, but at this point the pounds are melting off, I've already decided that right after our scheduled trip to NYC I'm hiring a trainer to help me lose an additional 50 pounds before school started. They kept showing those darn Jennifer Hudson commercials...who wouldn't be inspired? So when the machine told me that my ovulation levels had peaked I feigned a headache or went to bed early, whatever I could do to avoid (what I felt was) risking my progress. Eventually, I admitted that I wanted to wait. Let's wait until school starts after I've lost this additional weight, it'll be better, I'll be healthier. He wasn't pleased.
May came, there were a million and one things going on at school, getting ready for vacation, and the prospect of my mother having knee replacement surgery. I kept on testing, but somehow during the last week of school, I decided to go for it! I don't know why or what it was that changed my mind, but I did, we did, and it did. :)
And now, I must say, with all of the crying and sleeping and worrying that I have been doing since finding out on Father's Day, I am grateful that God knew better than me. He knew I needed to go through this first trimester during the summer, this summer, when my mother would be here at our house to support me. He knew that I would be able to rest when I needed to, and eat the freshest fruit I've ever tasted, courtesy of the Fresno Fruit Stand. He also knew that in all of this heat, I'd rather be 3 months pregnant than 9 months pregnant.
I thank God for His sense of humor!
After speaking with the benefits specialist at work and increasing my disability pay, I told Justin that we should "shoot" (no pun intended) for late August or early September, as a time to conceive. So, that is what we did, we read up on all of the ways to find out when a woman was ovulating. I took my temperature, peed on sticks, and a whole list of other stuff. Then BAM, just like Emeril Lagasse, sometime around September 13 I took a test and it was positive.
When we lost the baby, my first question was "when can we start trying again?" The original plan was a summer due date, it equaled more pay and would not require me to take time off from work. But after the loss, everything just kind of flew out the window. I needed to fill my womb with another live to help fill the void left by Baby Williams (as s/he had been affectionately named). I have since then learned that going through another pregnancy doesn't replace the last one because I still mourn, even today. And you would think that I already knew that. After a person dies people always tell them that time heals all wounds, I know differently because nearly 20 years after the death of my father the pain is sometimes as fresh as the moment I found out. I tell people that time doesn't heal all wounds, it just makes them a little easier to bear.
The doctor told me to take my time and the good news was that I was able to get pregnant. Although I realize that it was, it didn't feel like good news at the time. Because I was mostly worried about whether or not I'd be able to carry to full term.
In February 2011, I missed my cycle. I just knew that we'd done it. We'd hit the jackpot. For a full month and a half I took pregnancy tests and they were all negative. It boggled my mind. Had something happened? Had the stress of the mis* somehow changed my internal organs and prevented me from conceiving again? I scheduled an appointment with my gynecologist, Dr. Dimino, and she assured me that it was perfectly normal. Many woman find that their menstrual cycle is never the same after a mis* and I should not worry.
At that visit, I remember sitting in the waiting room, and it seemed that every woman who walked through the door was pregnant. It was like one of those dreams they have on television when everyone is looking at them and everything they say has the word "baby" in it. I was mortified. And when I got t the room with the doctor, I just wasn't able to hold it in anymore. The tears flowed. It felt like they flowed for me, for the baby, for what happened before that, and for every woman I'd read about online. Dr. Dimino made two suggestions to me that day: 1. visit her Pearland location at my next appointment (fewer expectant mothers), and 2. lose weight, it would help me and improve the likelihood of having a successful pregnancy next time.
By this time, I had already joined Weight Watchers, and I had lost about 10 pounds, but things were really starting to slow down. With summer on the way, and a trip with my co-workers to New Braunfels in the near future, I decided to kick it into high gear. I started attending Zumba classes. I was on the elliptical machine for an hour after an hour of weight and resistance training. My co-workers and I would attend 3 or 4 aerobic classes in one day after walking a mile or two around the track. I was a maniac, but I felt good. By my last recorded weigh-in, I'd lost over 30 pounds.
I told Justin the doctor's advice and being the critic, he suggested a second opinion. But there wasn't anything that another doctor could tell me that scale wasn't already showing me, in huge neon lights. I was on my way to my 31st birthday with high blood pressure, and the best way to reach our goal was by getting in shape.
Months before, I'd read a forum where a woman mentioned having used a Clear Blue Easy Ovulation Monitor. She said it would tell you when your most fertile days were and it helped her to conceive. Well, at that time, I told Justin that it was an investment that we should make (the price tag was around $200). Being that pricey I didn't think he'd be willing to do it. In the midst of my fitness craze he comes in from work with a box containing this little contraption. I was totally caught off guard. I think in retrospect, that while he really wanted us to get pregnant again, he wanted to help heal me as well. I started the testing, but at this point the pounds are melting off, I've already decided that right after our scheduled trip to NYC I'm hiring a trainer to help me lose an additional 50 pounds before school started. They kept showing those darn Jennifer Hudson commercials...who wouldn't be inspired? So when the machine told me that my ovulation levels had peaked I feigned a headache or went to bed early, whatever I could do to avoid (what I felt was) risking my progress. Eventually, I admitted that I wanted to wait. Let's wait until school starts after I've lost this additional weight, it'll be better, I'll be healthier. He wasn't pleased.
May came, there were a million and one things going on at school, getting ready for vacation, and the prospect of my mother having knee replacement surgery. I kept on testing, but somehow during the last week of school, I decided to go for it! I don't know why or what it was that changed my mind, but I did, we did, and it did. :)
And now, I must say, with all of the crying and sleeping and worrying that I have been doing since finding out on Father's Day, I am grateful that God knew better than me. He knew I needed to go through this first trimester during the summer, this summer, when my mother would be here at our house to support me. He knew that I would be able to rest when I needed to, and eat the freshest fruit I've ever tasted, courtesy of the Fresno Fruit Stand. He also knew that in all of this heat, I'd rather be 3 months pregnant than 9 months pregnant.
I thank God for His sense of humor!
Sunday, August 7, 2011
How We Got Here
God definitely has a sense of humor because just as I was mourning the date of what would have been our first child's birth, my body was preparing to start the journey for another.
Last year, was my third year teaching the fifth grade and every year that I've taught there has been some major life event going on. In October 2008, Justin, whom I'd been dating since 2004, proposed to me in the place where we shared our first kiss. Twelve months later, we married on the most beautiful day that I can remember. In September of last year, we found out that we were expecting. And just about two weeks later, I'd miscarried.
(Side note: I hate that word! For some reason I used it in a text message during that ordeal and now every time I try to tell someone that I "missed their call" or "misunderstood what they said" or any manner of the prefix 'mis" that ugly word pops up).
It was a long dark time for me. I remember laying on my mother's sofa instead of going to work and crying for hours until I fell asleep only to wake up and cry some more. I felt incredibly alone, like everyone else had gone on with their life and I was the only person who cared that the baby I was supposed to give birth to had died. I even got angry with pregnant women who were moaning and whining about the process...I lost a Facebook friend that way. I even felt guilty about mourning my pregnancy when it had only just begun. But from the second I found out that I was expecting, I fell head over heels in love.
Even today, nearly a year later, there are places in the house that haunt me with the memory of those long nights and the aches and pains and tears. I would guess that it is normal...to a point. But they started to snake into this pregnancy; taunting me, making fun. Then they chide me, How dare you forget the one that never was to dote on the one yet to be! It is, I know, just a trick of the devil. And I am praying to keep the devil at bay or that God give me strength to give Satan a swift kick in the behind.
I long to be a writer and I guess that shows as this is just one of three blogs for me. I have been looking for an avenue, a way to keep people, especially family and close friends abreast of what is going on with us. I created a group on Facebook, but the only people who are members are people who already know...my mom, Justin, and myself. I started a baby website, but it was confusing, so I abandoned that idea. Then I thought, do what you know how to do...write. So here I am...maybe one day Justin will even say a few words.
Well that is it for now, baby loves! Goodnight!
Last year, was my third year teaching the fifth grade and every year that I've taught there has been some major life event going on. In October 2008, Justin, whom I'd been dating since 2004, proposed to me in the place where we shared our first kiss. Twelve months later, we married on the most beautiful day that I can remember. In September of last year, we found out that we were expecting. And just about two weeks later, I'd miscarried.
(Side note: I hate that word! For some reason I used it in a text message during that ordeal and now every time I try to tell someone that I "missed their call" or "misunderstood what they said" or any manner of the prefix 'mis" that ugly word pops up).
It was a long dark time for me. I remember laying on my mother's sofa instead of going to work and crying for hours until I fell asleep only to wake up and cry some more. I felt incredibly alone, like everyone else had gone on with their life and I was the only person who cared that the baby I was supposed to give birth to had died. I even got angry with pregnant women who were moaning and whining about the process...I lost a Facebook friend that way. I even felt guilty about mourning my pregnancy when it had only just begun. But from the second I found out that I was expecting, I fell head over heels in love.
Even today, nearly a year later, there are places in the house that haunt me with the memory of those long nights and the aches and pains and tears. I would guess that it is normal...to a point. But they started to snake into this pregnancy; taunting me, making fun. Then they chide me, How dare you forget the one that never was to dote on the one yet to be! It is, I know, just a trick of the devil. And I am praying to keep the devil at bay or that God give me strength to give Satan a swift kick in the behind.
I long to be a writer and I guess that shows as this is just one of three blogs for me. I have been looking for an avenue, a way to keep people, especially family and close friends abreast of what is going on with us. I created a group on Facebook, but the only people who are members are people who already know...my mom, Justin, and myself. I started a baby website, but it was confusing, so I abandoned that idea. Then I thought, do what you know how to do...write. So here I am...maybe one day Justin will even say a few words.
Well that is it for now, baby loves! Goodnight!
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